Male Victims of Narcissistic Abuse

Narcissistic Abuse Affects Men, Too!

| When Narcissistic Abuse Affects Men – On Being a Male Victim | Updated 5/17/22 |

In the world of what’s written on narcissistic personality disorder and the victims of people possessed of it, there appears to be an imbalance of genders. Most writing on the subject chronicles male narcissists tormenting female empaths – at least when dealing with romantic relationships.

Narcissistic abuse affects men, too!

If you find this blog helpful, check out the reviews on the book!
The Adventures of Dan and Tina - Enduring and Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse

Enduring and Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse

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"A game changer."
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"We are not alone and we can move on."
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It’s my studied opinion that the apparent gender bias is a result of cultural pressures that make it more acceptable for women to share stories of mistreatment. I believe that NPD occurs about equally between the genders, but men are more typically shamed into silence when they are the victims of creatures so-afflicted. Society still doesn’t allow men to be the victims. Admitting to being used, abused, tormented and manipulated by a woman can be tantamount to proclaiming oneself weak, incompetent and essentially, unmanly.

That cultural stigma held me on the fence for some time before I decided to make my own stories public. I was ashamed of what I’d allowed to be done to me. Once I published my first few stories, Chris, a guy I once thought of as a friend began attempts to torment me – mocking and ridiculing my pain. He referred to me as a “whiny beta cuck” and sent rude messages assailing my manhood. It turned out that he had been carrying on an illicit affair with my narcissistic ex and had been a party to my abuse all along, however. He had joined Tina’s harem of flying monkeys. A mutual friend, while not “agreeing with” Chris’ “tactics,” still told me he thought I’d said “too much,” in this blog of mine. Sorry if wasn’t playing by the “rules,” but it’s not been a game to me. It’s my life and well-being I’ve been dealing with.

It’s astounding that abusers expect their victims to remain silent, and they often do.

These are examples of why men aren’t so inclined to share their stories of being abused by women. Anecdotally, though, It appears that men are more likely to seek one on one therapy and other professional help for narcissistic abuse. Women are just more willing to be open about their experiences.

I’ve found reading other people’s stories about narcissistic abuse tremendously helpful. Most of what I’ve read has been written by women. I simply reverse the gender of the pronouns in the stories and generally find them immensely relatable. At their core, all narcissists are pretty much the same. The same scripts play out over and over across millions of doomed relationships, with only the minor details differing in the overarching story.

The majority of followers of this blog are women, by all the metrics I can see. Still, my male perspective seems perfectly relatable to my audience, regardless of gender. All of that said, I do find it refreshing and in a way, more empowering when I happen upon a blog, a book or an article on Medium, Quora, etc written by another man. That’s why I decided to share some of those particular resources, right here!

I’ve been conversing with another blogger named Jon Rhodes who encouraged me to do this post, as it happens. Like me, he was energized by reading another man’s perspective on narcissistic abuse. Jon’s blog, Narcissisms.com is very well put together and excellently written to be inclusive of many different types of relationships and interactions with narcissists. See Jon’s take on Male Victims of Narcissistic Abuse.

Richard Grannon is an author, expert on nero-linguistic programming, victim and student of narcissistic abuse and YouTuber. You may find his websites, Spartan Life Coach and whatever RichardGrannon.com is evolving into of some value, but where he really shines, and where I discovered him is on his YouTube Channel, which is packed with (generally) brief, but helpful, insightful videos. Besides being knowledgeable, he’s somewhat entertaining. I highly recommend checking him out.

Male Narc Survivors is a newish blog/directory that’s dedicated to sharing online resources aimed at male victims of narcissistic abuse. There isn’t a lot there, yet, but what is there (this blog included) is good stuff.

Isolated – A podcast focused on men who are abused by their partners.

I’m still compiling resources for this entry. If you have one to suggest, please leave it in the comments.

Read next: Healing strategies After Narcissistic Abuse

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15 comments

  • Brian

    Thanks for this. I’ve been really struggling. Your posts have been an eye-opener.

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  • Rebecca

    Amazing šŸ¤©. I have advocated for male victims of. Narc abuse for years ! Well mens rights in general and the complexities of it all. My sister has histrionic disorder as you probably know is linked to and is itself a cluster b. My mom a covert and I got the prize as scapegoat. I am all too familiar with how ruthless these women are . But human is human and science is science . You guys end up with cptsd just as women . So Thank you I am glad I found this post ! I currently am in the baby phase of writing about histrionic and female narcissism myself and surviving the covert .

  • Gail James

    Hi Dan,
    Your book is the first book I read when I was told my ex was a narcissist. The crazy part was that I was so distraught, so bowled over that I had fallen victim to something so evil and reading that a man could also be a victim gave me much courage. Even though that really does support that bias. So even if you dont feel that larger connection of male victims, you really help female victims because you were a male victim yourself. I wonder too if male victims are easier targets because a female narc assumes they wont tell or have more shame to tell? Keep reaching out, keep being a life raft for those coming out of narc relationships. You are helping more people that you possibly know.
    I joined a fb group ‘ A real Narcissist support group” and both admins are men. So men are getting the word and support out too.
    Thanks for having so much info out here. I read often.

    • Dan

      Thanks for your comments and thanks for reading the book! I’m glad some of what I work on ends up helping others. That’s the point, after all, but one never really knows. I just put it out there and hope for the best.

      I’m a member of that facebook group, too! It’s a good one. I also like the Covert Narcissism Group. I’ve found all that helpful. Reading the posts from members really drives home how much of it is shared experience. It’s a real eye-opener.

  • Eric

    No one would ever believe it . I was terrified she would somehow get as much as a bruise as she physically assaulted me and she did and I was arrested for domestic violence and I left with nothing to my name. I was erased as the person I once was.

    • Bill

      I’m going through the same thing…she actually hurt her self on her forehead…put a big gash in the middle of her forehead caused from blunt force trauma…I was just held in a corrections facility for 5 months because she says I’m a dangerous person…when I’m 42 and have had 7 relationships…not including her was 6…nine of them have ever had any dv history in them. I was raised to never lay a hand on a woman and I never have. This last one was my longest and only one I ever married. She divorced me…I still stayed…she got pregnant and aborted the baby without even telling me till it was already done. I swear she loved to inflict pain on me. Anyways she had me arrested and has been showing up for every court date…I finally got out of lock up. I’m on a braclet and I have one more pre trial left because the da said she is ready to take that stand…she is gunning for me to ruin my life. I lost my apt…I had state housing which was mine before I had her move in and add her to the lease…she also kicked my 2 kids out whom I have full custody from a previous relationship …they are both in dcf foster care…she moved our of our apt and downgraded from a 3 bedroom to a 2 bedroom..because I do share a 5 year old son with her…she has a year restraining order on me and he is included on it. My 2 kids in foster care want to go on the stand to help me as they are witnesses to how she is…they have seen her hurt herself physically and blame it on me…they did not witness with incident though …I have 2 exs too …one is the mother of the 2 children I mentioned and another is another child’s mother I have…I have 5 children in all with 4 women…yes I’m not perfect. Both of those exs…the one I share the 2 kids with …I was with her for 5 years and the other 4 years and 3 minths…they said they will get on the stand to testify I never raised a hand to them. I also have audio proof …2 different audio files I recorded of her emotionally abusing me…it’s a year old though. I have a dcf letter head saying I was going through continual spousal abuse from her. I have the text thread that started the argument too…it all started with my 2 children …they both claim to have seen a pack of nips in her purse…for 5 and a half years I had a issue with her drinking …in July of last year she stopped…this event occurred in oct…2 and a half months later…I didn’t know what to think..but I was not accusing her of drinking …I was just asking her why the kids said they saw that and it became a argument…I have the whole argument on text up till the physical started of coarse…based on the 911 call info..she lied about when she said she called…I know when she called and it was before the physical even escalated…which makes me believe she had it all planned out. She tried to ruin my job too but was unsuccessful thank God. I literally walked out of jail with the clothes I got arrested in was the only thing I owned. She really took me for a ride and I’m ashamed that I was so stupidly in love with her…I would of taken a bullet for her…I even caught her cheating on Aug 30 last year…between when the drinking stopped and this event…I still stayed…obviously after this I’m not ever going back. I have one of the best lawyers in the area and I was court appointed which helps me feel like God is with me…but even my lawyer said she can get away with this just from her word and the pic of the cut that the hospital took…unbelievable…it’s been a traumatic experience…I’m trying to keep my head up but it is not easy

  • Tom

    I had no idea my ex was a narsacist. I’d known her for years. She was my best friend. But once she had me, the abuse started. The idealization quickly turned to devaluation and outright rejection. It ended with a suicide attempt which put me into inpatient treatment. Once I got out she hoovered briefly then she became the victim and completely cut me out of her life. I’ve been fighting to get myself together ever since.

    • Dan

      It’s no small task to rebuild after experiences like that. It’s not impossible, though. It’s entirely achievable. Understanding what happened and why is part of it. Tackling, head-on, both the physical and psychological damage is next. The wound created by narcissistic abuse isn’t just for time to heal. It requires proactive effort and maybe some help. If you haven’t already, I’d suggest reading my article, Healing Strategies After Narcissistic Abuse for some ideas.

      • Tom

        I’m reading your book now. Seeing so many of the same things in my relationship. She was more subtle but it’s all there. I learned a new word today. ā€œTriangulationā€

        I’m trying to keep it together. I have friends from rehab who are alcoholics. We have different addictions but our struggle is similar. They are being extremely supportive.

        • Dan

          For sure! Trauma bonding is very much like addiction. The more I learn about it, the more I question whether there’s really a difference, except that (in my case) the trauma bond was much more powerful than any addiction I would overcome.

          Thanks for reading. Hope it’s helpful!

          • Tom

            Extremely helpful but heartbreaking at the same time. To see how much I lost and to know it was never gonna work. Just gutted.

  • Seth

    I was going to write my story here, but got a couple of paragraphs in and felt myself losing grip. I can’t do it. Basically, I had to end, at least half a dozen times, a relationship with the queen bee of all narcissists, co-occurring with extreme OCD and others. It’s exhausting just writing that. I still love her. I’ll always love her. And I think I’ve come as close as anyone to getting real love out of her, but in the end, it’s just not possible. I am beyond certain that she was an escort, the only way she could get her supply whe I wasn’t around, because she has ZERO friends left. She stays locked in her bedroom 24/7, except to go on five hour “wal-mart runs” and doctor appointments, and comes back home to her mothers house, driving her mother’s car, complaining about her mouth hurting. Ew. Found evidence she was cheating, of course we all know how that played out.
    Basically, I walked away. Came back. Walked away, came back. But finally, I had to choose. I was literally dying. Literally. I had been doing drugs to numb the pain of her. I had lost 20 lbs, my business had gone to hell and shut down because she was all I focused on. She destroyed my life. And I still love her? God help me…

    • Dan

      Yeah. Is her name Tina? It’s remarkable how similarly these stories tend to play out.

      Try again. Writing about it is astoundingly helpful.

      Believe me, I know what you’re feeling. You’re trauma bonded and that monkey is as much physical as it is emotional/psychological. Find the link for “Healing Strategies After Narcissistic Abuse.” It’s a good starting point for breaking that trauma bond and beginning recovery.

      It’s not a short or easy road, but it does lead to a better place!

  • Joshua Colson

    My wife is currently getting help from everybody on the face of the Earth because I am the abuser in our relationship that is full of domestic violence. So I went online to see what kind of information I can find. I guess I wanted to know more, I wanted to find a way to be able to accept it live with this label, even though I had been subjected to plenty of abuse myself. I couldn’t find anything really, instead of hoping to find some kind of personal or expert I could talk with through email I went with the only available option it seemed and called the national domestic violence hotline. Actually I texted them because I didn’t want to talk over the phone, which was a smart move. They asked a couple questions about statistical stuff and then they wanted to know my situation. I’m lucky that I just started talking, I was going to tell them I just had a couple of questions. Instead I started to talk about my situation and as it seems every time it happens I just started pouring my life story on this advocate. My wife and I have been together 14 years in the first half was really good I think the first seven or eight years we had three fights and they were pretty tame. They were the only three times we really even disagreed in seven or eight years. We were best friends for 4 years before we got together. And then right in the middle of our relationship my wife’s vision started going out. She would be on her way into work I have to pull over because all the sudden she couldn’t see anything. It was bad enough that she ended up not being able to drive and go to work. She spent the first year in bed for the most part. We went from Michigan to Arizona for a couple months at the end of December beginning of January in 2016 I believe and visited with her mother and her fiance who had gotten us a room in Scottsdale Arizona through his timeshare as a wedding gift. Basically it was a honeymoon. The two or three months we were down there were fantastic and she went to her mother’s chiropractor and said that it had made a difference in her vision. Instead of being in bed all day she was a regular old self. Then we went back to Michigan and fell right back into the same thing. We had gotten pregnant while we were in Arizona which is. That was a good distraction until the baby was born, lots of appointments and things not to eat and you know different things you need to know. But we moved into the place we lived in until the end pretty much there and it seemed like about then that she just fell apart. She was horribly depressed and I think with postpartum depression and just dealing with her vision. It got worse and worse, she would just burst into tears and collapse on the floor very suddenly eventually on a regular basis. I was not able to console her nor did she want me to, she constantly push me away. I remember one night we were just laying in bed and I just went to put my hand on her thigh just to make physical contact with her and nothing more and she recoiled so violently that it kind of screwed me up. At that point I just gave up and figured I would wait for her to come back around or something. I think we went two or three years and maybe had intimate contact two or three times. No matter what I tried to do she just wasn’t interested anymore. I used to have to tell her no all the time. I used to have to say no my flesh is raw and I need to heal up from the last week or two, absolutely not. Leave me alone. Now sex was some kind of weapon that was being used against me. And eventually she just totally gave up. She never tried to go to another doctor’s appointment after the first couple months of her blindness. She never tried to go to the chiropractor again even though I told her to schedule something with somebody at least once a week for a year or two. I didn’t want to push her or force her but I told her to do it and we would find a way to afford it and get her there and whatever, I would make it work. She never even looked it up. And watching the strongest person I had ever known in my life give up on not only herself but on us and on our family totally broke me as well. I started drinking even though I hated it. I wasn’t yet diagnosed but began having extreme bipolar symptoms and episodes. Maybe after a year of that I went and checked myself in and spent a week in the hospital and got a diagnosis and things were much better for a while but by then she was already gone, the person that was left was unrecognizable. Maybe a year or two before my diagnosis my wife started secretly recording me saying that it was me having an episode even though when she showed them to me it was very normal stuff. Listening to music, playing a video game. Smoking a cigarette and looking stressed from work. Nothing out of the ordinary. Writing down anything that I did or even things that I didn’t actually do. Going through my text messages and my navigation app that I use for work. I found out in the last few months that she had not only gone through my text messages like she wouldn’t admit to but that she had actually archived hundreds if not thousands of them taking pictures or taking screenshots with my phone and sending them to her phone and deleting the message. And then eventually the camera in the bathroom that she informed me of as I sat in my birthday suit on the toilet. I looked up and there it was. Good use of a baby monitor. So for the next several months when I got home I wouldn’t account for all the baby monitors in the house and there was always one at least pointed where I spent my time after work. Always. And it sounds crazy like something out of a movie but they were easy to find because they were beating monitors and they had chords that ran right to the wall so if you didn’t see a camera you just looked at the outlet and followed the cord. She’d constantly treat me like a child. She wanted to take over all the finances which I refused because the way she approached it was basically saying I wasn’t competent and couldn’t do simple math even though I have an IQ that’s off the freaking charts. I could never do enough for her. The first few years that we had kids I would work and come home and help with kids stuff and do dishes and help with dinner and eventually I’d run out of steam and that was all I had for the day. And it was never enough. And towards the end I would just go to work and come home and I would spend time with our daughter and put her to bed but I quit doing all the other things and she quit making meals long before. Once we had our son she quit doing anything including eating or sleeping or taking care of herself and any kind of way or making meals yet somehow the dishes were always dirty. It was just a mess. Then one day I realized because of something she said while I was at work that she had gone through my wallet as well as taking the last of our money out of it. I was lucky I didn’t blow my engine as it turned out I was leaking oil and had almost none when I started the hour-long drive home. I told her before I left work that I didn’t want to be in a relationship with a woman acting like a 16 year old jealous girlfriend, she denied that she was searching through my wallet but I’m not stupid and later I found pictures of everything that was in my wallet that day. When I got home I found out that we were apparently fighting about it as she was in hysterics and packing the car saying that she was going to the neighbors and refusing to allow me to use my vehicle not hers, to go to work the next day even though mine was leaking oil pretty badly. She claimed she was just going for the night but the car was packed instead of being completely empty like usual, all the way to the ceiling. It’s a Ford edge, it fits quite a bit of stuff in there. She had over a dozen bags of groceries, she took all the food in the house except for a package of burger. All the groceries she bought the day before. She would swear up and down that’s not the case but I was the one trying to find something to eat that day so I think I know. She refused to allow my daughter to stay at home with me even though she was supposedly just going to a friend’s to cool down. She wouldn’t let my daughter who I had plans with stay with me in her home. Then she started with the insults until she finally got one that stung when she said I was a danger to my children loud enough on the porch in a mobile home park for all the neighbors to hear, you could hear when someone walked through their house while you were inside your own as if they were walking right next to you. And I lost my cool I didn’t do anything to her but I expressed that I really wanted to smash the window out of my car, MY car. Eventually we got to a point where she moved away, I was acting as if I were thinking of something or something anyway, as soon as there was room I dove into the open space and went to grab the keys. She ran into me from behind as if we were playing football and falling over I snapped the keys off in the ignition. Then I just gave up. I just let her go and told her not to come back. After a few days I cooled down and I signed the car over to her so she would trust me, I didn’t want her to think I would just sell it out from under her. It was November last year, I spent until the 30th of March when we had our last fight trying to address some of our issues and tackle some of the problems and fights we had in our relationship and she had no interest whatsoever. The minute I would talk about something that she had done or how it made me feel or what it looked like from my perspective she wouldn’t pretty much just hang the phone up and then cut off all contacts so I couldn’t reach her or my children. She was staying in a domestic violence shelter based on a police report that she lied in that still wasn’t enough for them to even talk to me let alone arrest and charge me which in Lapeer county Michigan they would have done in a heartbeat if they had Any chance of doing whatsoever. She spent the next several months constantly lying to me and manipulating me as I gave her every dime I made and everything I had while the entire time she was doing nothing to everyone we knew which were all her people because I wasn’t allowed to have friends I went to work and I did the family thing so that my kids would know who their father was. I didn’t see my father a lot when I was little. She would even let me watch the kids in a house that the domestic violence shelter deemed unfit for children overnight and then the following day they all stayed with me and she told her friend which I later found out that she didn’t trust or believe that my daughter would be okay another night at my house alone but I noticed that she didn’t tell her she had just spent several nights at my house where we just did regular dad daughter stuff. Honestly, I could be blackout drunk and pissed off and I would still be a better parent when it came to how I treated and whatever how I interacted and took care of my children then she is. I don’t hit my children I rarely yell at them, only after telling them to do something or not do something dozens of times. Literally dozens. And I don’t care what the kids do, my wife does because she can’t handle noises and she would just snap so I did my best to try to keep them from irritating her because it scared me how she reacted. And after our last fight and her b******* PPO that she got based on a bunch of lies many of which I can easily disprove I found out she was insinuating that I was raping her and beating her on a regular basis and everyone thinks I was trying to control her even though I was constantly getting her a new phone or a car all of a sudden. I never once told her she couldn’t hang out with anyone or do whatever she wanted. There were a couple people, family members of hers, that I told her I really did not want my kids around. If any of them you would understand, very abusive households, very weird very strange behavior. I think one of her cousins wives was sleeping with his dad and abusing their child. I don’t know it was very weird but that’s the only time I really ever said I didn’t care for something. And after being convinced that I was the abusive person in our relationship I spoke to them national domestic violence hotline, twice in one day for several hours each, and both advocates told me I was the victim. Which actually made everything worse. Because they told me she made a choice to abuse me, summer behavior I could not rationalize in any kind of way because it’s only going to destroy her in court. But she did it intentionally to hurt me. And that scared the crap out of me, and I was on my way to the therapist when I spoke to the first advocate and I had to leave the town I’ve been staying in to the one that we were in together and when I realized that I didn’t know where she was because she was out and about that day, I was really truly afraid. It doesn’t make sense but I didn’t know what to expect, maybe she knew I had therapy and she would show up and cause a problem or maybe she would break into my vehicle or disable it while I was at the therapist or maybe I would run anywhere at the gas station on the way out afterwards and she would already have the police coming to arrest me for violating this PPO. So I think maybe this anxiety and PTSD she claims to have from being a so-called victim is now something that I’m dealing with. Now my problem is she’s getting the resources from a domestic violence shelter so she’s getting a free place to stay and she’s getting legal help and she’s going to bury me she’s already destroyed my life. The police won’t do anything if she has done something illegal because it’s a little redneck Podunk s*** hole of a town. The state police at least have a little more self-respect and decency and take their job more seriously but the local cops are terrible. They wouldn’t enforce laws that they damn well knew were real. How do I expose her as the aggressor in our relationship and take away all these resources that she’s using to destroy me and take away my kids? I haven’t seen my kids in months because of her. I was supposed to see my daughter a weekend or two ago and when the time came she said no f*** you. How can I tell my story and have these people that are saving her and dumping money all over and resources, how do I make them see what she’s done? This is not me wanting to take away what she needs to survive, it’s me wanting the resources I need as the actual victim as well as for all these people to not think that I am some monster that I am not and the only reason she is able to cause all the problems for me that she has is because they’re paying for it! She has taken this resource for actual victims and she is used it to destroy me! And they think they’re helping a victim. I realize the more they taught her about abuse and the more she learned while she was there the more abusive she became. She is so much better at it than she could have ever hoped to be. And this was never the person she was, this is what she turned into after the all the horrible things that kept happening to us on the regular basis broke her. She needs help but of the psychiatric kind not financial. And I need help of all kinds now because all of this this messed me up so bad, I wouldn’t even care if I could just have the person I fell in love with back. She’s how I used to define a good person. She was the epitome of that. She was strong and tough and compassionate and patient and caring and tolerant and fair and never cruel even when it was warranted. And she’s become the opposite and the world is a lesser place without her. And I can never think about it without it bringing me to tears. She was the first and only person who ever cared about me my entire life and just dumb luck with her vision and all sorts of other stupid things, all this horrible stuff that happened to us destroyed the good person she was and took her from me like it’s taken everything else. And I’ll never feel that again, I’ll never have that again. Most people never have it ever, I guess I was lucky enough to have it for a few years.

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