Sex with a Narcissist

| The Many Angles of Sex With a Narcissist |

Individuals with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) often use sex as a means of obtaining narcissistic supply, maintaining control over their partners through triangulation with others and by using it as either punishment or reward. Narcissistic supply is the common name for the attention, admiration, and validation that individuals with NPD crave in order to maintain their sense of self-importance and superiority over others.

Triangulation refers to the act of involving a third party in a relationship or dynamic in order to create jealousy or competition between the parties involved.

Narcissists with NPD often view sex as a particularly effective means of obtaining narcissistic supply. It allows them to feel desired, attractive, and powerful. They may seek out sexual partners who are particularly attractive or desirable in order to boost their own sense of self-worth and feed their need for validation. In addition, they may engage in sexually risky or unconventional behaviors in order to feel a sense of excitement or superiority over others.

Narcissists often have more than one motive for their actions and may efficiently use sex as both a form of narcissistic supply and a tool for manipulation, using sexual acts or promises of sexual acts as leverage to get what they want from their partner. They may use sex as a means of maintaining control over their partners. They may withhold sex as a form of punishment or use sex as a reward for compliance or obedience. Narcissists are also highly prone to addiction. Sex feels good and orgasm provides a powerful hit of dopamine, not unlike the effects of many pleasure-inducing and addictive drugs. Compulsive sexual behavior or hypersexuality are commonly noted with narcissists and people diagnosed with other Cluster B personality disorders.

Triangulation is another common tactic used by narcissists with NPD in relation to sex. They may involve a third party in sexual interactions or relationships in order to create jealousy or competition between their partner and the third party. This may take the form of cheating, flirting, or involving a third party in sexual activities without the knowledge or consent of their partner. They may use infidelity as a means of punishing their partner, perhaps (but not necessarily) leaving clues suggesting the act without leaving enough evidence to actually prove it. Confusion is a powerful tool for a narcissist. They often want to create a sense of unease without completely driving away their sources of supply – at least not until they are ready to devalue and discard a source.

Narcissists may actually be proud of “getting away” with these kinds of acts, so they are often compelled to “inform on themselves,” but at the same time prevent the whole picture being seen. If the partner of a narcissist becomes aware of unfaithful activity on the narcissist’s part, it may often be only what the narcissist wants his or her partner to see! There’s a better than fair chance the full scope of the situation won’t be known or understood by a narcissist’s partner until after the relationship is long over, if ever.

Narcissists with NPD may also use sex as a means of projecting their own insecurities and fears onto their partner. They may accuse their partner of being unfaithful or uninterested in them sexually, even if there is no evidence to support these claims. This can create feelings of guilt, shame, and confusion in their partner, which the narcissist can then use to maintain control over the relationship, deflect guilt and distract from their own unfaithful activities.

In some cases, narcissists with NPD may also engage in sexually abusive or coercive behaviors. They may pressure their partner into engaging in sexual acts that they are uncomfortable with or use sex as a means of exerting power and control over their partner. These behaviors are not only harmful and abusive, but they can also be illegal.
One potential consequence of using sex in this way is that it can lead to unhealthy and unstable relationships. Narcissists with NPD may struggle to maintain long-term relationships as a result of their need for constant validation and attention, and their tendency to engage in behaviors that undermine trust and intimacy. A pattern of unstable relationships is a common indicator of Cluster B personality disorders.

In addition, the use of sex as a means of control and manipulation can have serious negative effects on the partner involved. The use of sex as a means of obtaining narcissistic supply, maintaining control, and engaging in triangulation is a very common multi-purpose tactic used by narcissists with NPD. It is important for individuals who are in relationships with narcissists to be aware of these tactics and to seek support and resources to help them safely navigate these dynamics. Individuals who are in relationships with narcissists may feel pressured, manipulated, and coerced into engaging in sexual behaviors that they are uncomfortable with or that violate their boundaries. This can lead to feelings of guilt, shame, and trauma. Victims of the kind of gaslighting, psychological and emotional abuse narcissists subject their partners to can suffer long-term and potentially debilitating consequences.

Furthermore, the use of sex as a means of triangulation can create a highly stressful and competitive dynamic within the relationship. The involvement of a third party in sexual interactions or relationships can lead to jealousy, mistrust, and feelings of inadequacy on the part of the partner. This can create a toxic and unstable environment, which can ultimately lead to the breakdown of the relationship or worse. Over time, a narcissist’s partner may become worn down and convinced that they deserve the mistreatment, submit to the narcissist’s erratic agenda and suffer a lifetime of anxiety and depression-inducing abuse.

While it’s reportedly extremely common, not all individuals with NPD engage in sexual infidelity, and not all cheaters are afflicted with NPD. The use of sex as a means of obtaining narcissistic supply, maintaining control, and engaging in triangulation could also be attributed to other psychological problems, particularly other Cluster B personality disorders such as histrionic, antisocial and borderline personality disorders.

The use of sex as a means of obtaining narcissistic supply, maintaining control, and engaging in triangulation is a common tactic used by narcissists with NPD. This behavior can have serious negative effects on the partner involved, and can contribute to unhealthy and unstable relationships. It is important for individuals who are in relationships with narcissists to be aware of these tactics and to seek support and resources to help them safely navigate these dynamics. Individuals with NPD should also seek professional help to address their problematic behaviors and learn healthier ways of relating to others, although effectively treating people with NPD is generally known to be both rare and particularly difficult.

Read next: Healing Strategies After Narcissistic Abuse