Denial in Narcissistic Relationships

| Denial in Narcissistic Relationships: The Glue That Holds it Together |

Denial is a psychological phenomenon characterized by a person’s refusal to accept or acknowledge the reality of a distressing or uncomfortable situation, often as a defense mechanism to protect themselves from emotional discomfort, anxiety, or cognitive dissonance. It involves a conscious or unconscious rejection of facts, events, or feelings, and can hinder an individual’s ability to address and cope with the underlying issues they are denying.

Denial in narcissistic relationships is as common and plentiful as sand at a beach.

Denial in Narcissists

Narcissists are known for their complex and often manipulative psychological traits, and one of the most prominent defense mechanisms they employ is denial. Denial serves as a key tool for narcissists in maintaining their self-image and protecting their fragile ego.

Some of the ways denial impacts a narcissist include:

1. Denial of Imperfections: Narcissists have an excessive need for admiration and a grandiose sense of self-importance. They believe themselves to be flawless and superior to others. To maintain this self-image, they engage in denial when confronted with their imperfections or mistakes. Whether it’s a minor error or a significant failure, a narcissist will often refuse to acknowledge their responsibility, shifting blame onto others or external factors. This denial of their own flaws helps protect their self-esteem.

2. Denial of Vulnerability: Narcissists are often hypersensitive to criticism and rejection. They dread feeling vulnerable or weak, so they deny their own feelings of insecurity or inadequacy. Even if they are deeply hurt or affected by a situation, a narcissist will go to great lengths to project an image of invulnerability. They may dismiss their emotions, claim they are impervious to pain, or insist that they are always right, thus engaging in denial of their emotional vulnerability.

3. Denial of Impact on Others: Narcissists frequently disregard the impact of their actions on others. They may engage in harmful behaviors, manipulate, or emotionally abuse those around them without recognizing or admitting to the harm they cause. This form of denial allows them to avoid taking responsibility for the pain and suffering they inflict on others and continue to pursue their self-serving goals.

4. Denial of Manipulative Behavior: Narcissists are skilled manipulators, often using charm and manipulation to get what they want. They may engage in subtle forms of deceit, such as gaslighting or emotional manipulation, to maintain control and power in relationships. Despite their manipulative tactics, they may convincingly claim they have good intentions or that their actions are purely for the benefit of others, further reinforcing their self-image. Through denial they equally (and successfully) attempt to convince themselves that their intentions and actions are for an overall good. Failing that, projection will deflect their perceived bad behavior onto others.

5. Denial of Empathy: Narcissists often struggle with empathizing with the feelings and needs of others. They prioritize their own desires and lack genuine empathy for those around them. Denying the emotions and perspectives of others allows them to maintain their self-centered worldview. They might dismiss others’ concerns as irrelevant or label them as oversensitive, thus engaging in denial of the need for empathy in relationships.

6. Denial of Criticism: Criticism is particularly challenging for narcissists to accept. They tend to react defensively and may become enraged when confronted with any negative feedback. To protect their self-esteem, they engage in denial by discrediting the source of criticism, denying the validity of the critique, or attributing it to jealousy or misunderstanding. This behavior can lead to strained relationships and an inability to learn from their mistakes.

Consequences of Denial in Narcissistic Relationships

Denial lends to the perpetuation of toxic relationships, hinders personal growth, and results in feelings of frustration and hurt among their associates. Denial also makes it extremely challenging for narcissists to seek therapy or make positive changes in their behavior.

Narcissists use denial as a psychological defense mechanism to protect their fragile self-image, maintain a sense of superiority, and avoid confronting their own imperfections and insecurities. However, this denial comes at a cost, as it leads to strained relationships, emotional manipulation, and a failure to address their own issues.

Denial in Victims of Narcissistic Abuse

Victims of narcissistic abuse are usually ensnared in a web of denial, a psychological defense mechanism that can have severe consequences for their well-being. Denial is an absolute gift to a narcissistic abuser and it is one of the primary forces that will keep victims trapped in abusive relationships.

Denial operates on several unhealthy levels:

1. Denial of the Abusive Relationship: One of the most profound ways victims of narcissistic abuse engage in denial is by refusing to accept or acknowledge the fact that they are in an abusive relationship. This can manifest in various forms, from downplaying the abuse to attributing it to the narcissist’s stress or mood. Victims often hold onto the belief that their partner or loved one can change, which keeps them trapped in an unhealthy cycle of denial. Denial is a psychological trick victims play on themselves (both unconsciously and semi-consciously) to avoid the discomfort of cognitive dissonance that accompanies glimpses of (or even suspicions of) the reality of narcissistic abuse.

2. Denial of Emotional Pain: Many victims of narcissistic abuse deny the emotional pain and suffering they experience. They may suppress their feelings or rationalize the abuse as a normal part of the relationship. Denying their emotional distress can lead to a profound sense of disconnection from their own emotions and needs, making it challenging to seek help and healing.

3. Denial of Self-Worth: Narcissists often erode the self-esteem and self-worth of their victims through constant criticism, manipulation, and gaslighting. Victims may engage in self-denial by internalizing the negative messages and believing they are inherently flawed or unworthy. This denial of their own self-worth can lead to depression, anxiety, and a lack of self-compassion.

4. Denial of the Narcissist’s Manipulative Tactics: Victims of narcissistic abuse may deny the true extent of the manipulative tactics employed by the narcissist. They may rationalize the narcissist’s behavior, blaming external circumstances or their own actions for the abuse. Denial in narcissistic relationships, including overlooking what may sometimes be rather obvious manipulation, perpetuates the cycle of abuse, making it difficult for victims to break free. Denial is the glue!

5. Denial of Boundaries: Narcissists often have little regard for the boundaries of others. Victims may engage in denial by not setting or enforcing clear boundaries to protect themselves. They may believe that it’s their responsibility to cater to the narcissist’s demands, even at the cost of their own well-being, further perpetuating the abuse.

6. Denial of the Need for Help: Many victims of narcissistic abuse are reluctant to seek help or support. They may deny the gravity of the situation or feel ashamed about their role in the relationship. They may feel that admitting to themselves that they’ve been deceived and abused by a crafty manipulator would be the same as admitting to being unintelligent, but that’s not the case. Inexperience with narcissistic abuse is not remotely the same as being stupid. Narcissists will have many years of practiced and honed tactics that work on anyone – especially well-meaning and conscientious people. Those are the preferred targets of narcissists. But, this mode of denial can prevent smart, good-natured victims from accessing the resources, therapy, or support networks that could aid in their recovery.

Consequences of Victims’ Denial in Narcissistic Relationships

Denial in narcissistic relationships occurs at both ends, but engaging in denial as a victim of narcissistic abuse is arguably the bigger problem and it can have serious and far-reaching consequences:

1. Continued Abuse: Denial often enables the narcissist to persist in their abusive behavior, leading to an extended cycle of suffering for the victim.

2. Mental Health Issues: Denial of the abuse and its effects can result in significant mental health issues, including depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

3. Self-Doubt and Low Self-Esteem: Victim denial can erode self-esteem and self-worth, making it difficult for individuals to rebuild their confidence and trust in themselves.

4. Isolation: Victims may isolate themselves from friends and family, further isolating themselves from potential sources of support.

5. Repetition of Unhealthy Patterns: Engaging in denial can lead to a pattern of entering into similar abusive relationships in the future. After leaving one narcissistic relationship behind, many victims fall right into another narcissist’s trap – if they have not yet recognized the psychological tricks played on them both by narcissists, and on themselves!

6. Delay in Healing: Denial in narcissistic relationships can significantly delay the healing process, as acknowledgment of the abuse and the reality of the situation is often the first step toward recovery.

Denial in narcissistic relationships is a constant companion. It’s a common defense mechanism employed by victims of narcissistic abuse. It serves as a protective shield against the painful reality of their situation. However, this denial comes at a great cost, perpetuating abuse and causing severe emotional and psychological harm. Recognizing denial when it occurs and looking beyond it to see reality is essential for victims to break free from the cycle of abuse and embark on a conscious and intentional journey of healing and recovery.

Read Next: A story illustrating denial in action: Avoiding Dissonance