Write it Out
My therapist and other knowledgeable people suggest writing as part of the recovery from emotional abuse. It’s definitely been important for my healing. With considerable time spent studying narcissistic abuse, I found that writing about it is nearly universal with victims, as though it is an instinctive healing behavior.
Putting order to my thoughts and memories is the primary use of writing out the story of my tumultuous and destructive relationship with Tina. It’s an aid to finding the objective truth after having my entire perception of reality warped by a constant campaign of gaslighting. Reasserting objective reality and injecting it into the world is re-empowering. My perception matters. My experience and truth matters.
Tina’s behavior could be so outrageous as to be nearly unbelievable. When I’d make certain observations, I’d stop and think along the lines of “It can’t be what it looks like. Nobody would do that!” But, Tina would and did do that. Writing out the details has been necessary to avoid glossing over just how bad things were. Setting the story down in an ordered manner helps lift the mental fog that Tina brought about with her constant deception.
I’ve found that writing everything out has the added benefit of depersonalizing the story. It decouples or at least diminishes the emotions connected to the memories, like I step outside of myself.
My writings are also an effort to explain myself. If I seem different to some people, it’s because I am. I was severely broken. I am not fully mended. I’m not as emotionally or intellectually engaged as I used to be. My mind is still healing from a thousand tiny cuts.
Writing gives me an outlet and something to do when bad memories haunt me. I funnel them into something constructive. I sometimes feel the tug of unpleasant emotions while writing, but then, when I put it away, the emotion goes on the proverbial shelf with it. That’s relief.
Reading other people’s stories about their entanglements with cluster B disordered people helped me a lot and I hope my story can also help others. I hope to provide some insight and perspective to people who maybe aren’t understood, who may not understand what’s been happening to them, who need inspiration to start healing.
I hope telling my my story can help heal myself and others.