trauma bonding

Trauma Bonding Explained

| What is a Trauma Bond? | Becoming Addicted to one’s Abuser |

What is a trauma bond? This article examines how love-bombing, triangulation, intermittent reinforcement, ghosting and hoovering create a powerful addiction to one’s abuser

Narcissists (and other emotional abusers) rely on manipulation of primal emotions, love and fear to hook their victims.

A rudimentary study of psychology introduces us to the concepts of positive and negative reinforcement, which narcissistic manipulators employ, but the most powerful, dangerous and damaging psychological reinforcement is random and intermittent. Not being able to predict what actions bring rewards and which bring punishment put a victim in a continual confused, excited state. That’s the doorway to trauma bonding. Expected rewards are not as impactful as surprises and likewise, punishments out of the blue are more fearsome.

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In not much time, the more intense chemical reactions to intermittent reinforcement begin to create an addiction.

Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse

The narcissistic abuse cycle begins with “love bombing,” where the abuser begins to hook a victim with sometimes over-the-top, premature professions of love and admiration. During this phase, the narcissist learns about the victim’s strengths and weaknesses, likes and dislikes and fears. The narcissist mirrors his or her victim, sharing tastes and interests to become a near perfect companion. It may seem like a match made in heaven, but it’s an entirely artificial manipulation tactic.

The narcissist may say things like “I never believed in it before, but I think we’re soul mates” to make the victim feel special and imply a supernatural bond outside the normal bounds of reason.

Love bombing causes feel-good chemical responses, like release of dopamine and oxytocin into the brain. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter associated with pleasurable feelings and oxytocin is associated with love and bonding.

To gain a victim’s trust, a narcissist may reveal “secrets” about themselves very early on in a relationship. This encourages the victim to become more open and vulnerable in return which creates the illusion of a profoundly intimate connection and fosters both trust and sympathy. That also makes the victim more susceptible to suggestion and manipulation. By this point, the groundwork for gaslighting has already been laid and the narcissist is already gaining control of his or her adoring and protective victim. A malignant narcissist will also use any secrets learned against his or her victim.

Next, a campaign of devaluation begins. This occurs directly between the narcissist and victim and with outside friends of the narcissist the victim may not be very familiar with. The narcissist begins finding faults with the once idealized victim. Vacillation of positive and negative reinforcement begins and over time, the negative, fear-based manipulation is employed more often than the love-based encouraging behavior. Ongoing negative and intermittent reinforcement creates a chain of minor and major emotional traumas, inducing a near-constant state of anxiety. This is the root of complex trauma.

As the positive reinforcement becomes more scarce, it also becomes the main thing the victim seeks, because he or she is addicted to the early chemical highs brought about by love bombing and will now do nearly anything to get those feelings back! This is sometimes called “breadcrumbing.” Random and intermittent reinforcement like drips or crumbs keep the confused victim hopeful and chasing. That’s what really sets the hook.

The narcissistic abuser will use either subtle or overt negative reinforcement to make their victim fear losing him or her, often triangulating with other people by introducing a romantic rival (“Joe keeps hitting on me”) or by suggesting that someone else is being critical of the victim. “I was talking to my brother and he said he doesn’t think you’re any good for me,” for example.

Gaslighting

Then comes the gaslighting. “I never said my brother thinks you’re not good for me. You must have misunderstood what I said. Have you ever seen a therapist for that paranoia?”

The abuser can even be antagonist and savior at the same time. “My friends say you’re no good, but I told them how much I love you and you’re perfect for me.”

This makes it seem like a case of “you and me against the world,” and even though the narcissist is causing the injuries, it seems like only the narcissist can heal the wounds.

A narcissist’s reality isn’t objective. It’s only consistent with what they feel, so it’s always in flux and they are always manipulating, massaging, stretching, exaggerating, bending and outright breaking the truth.

Over time, reality seems fuzzy and only the narcissist can be the arbiter of what is real. The victim loses faith in his or her own observations and judgement. Confusion is made all the worse, because while breaking and debasing the victim, that poor soul’s very tormentor is also swearing his or her eternal love and devotion!

After the devaluation period, there usually comes an abrupt discard. The narcissist may just up and vanish like a ghost with no explanation. “Ghosting” is another horrendously psychologically damaging tactic and it’s one that leaves the victim dependent on the abuser for answers. No one else can explain, “why.” This creates an open wound that defies healing, or “closure.”

During the discard phase, the narcissist is usually spending time love-bombing a new or secondary source of narcissistic supply. He or she may be absent for days, weeks or even months before reappearing to “hoover” back the confused and traumatized victim. A new period of love bombing seems to heal all wounds and makes the victim ever more dependent on the abuser for a sense of well-being. The cycle repeats – each time inflicting more cumulative trauma and also strengthening the bond. Gaslighting may also instill in the victim a sense that his or her neuroticism was to blame for the discard or whatever strife (real, manufactured or imagined) that led up to it.

For myself, I found that each time I was devalued and discarded, it was progressively more painful than the last and that became something to be avoided at almost any cost.

Fear of triggering negative responses from narcissists or borderlines can keep  victims walking on eggshells (or treading very carefully) to avoid upsetting them.

The abusive manipulation of a narcissist keeps a victim in a constant state of excitation and prolonged, continuous exposure to stress hormones like cortisol causes physical changes to the brain that make it easier to trigger anxiety and even panic. At the same time, those stress hormones attack and weaken regions of the brain responsible for forming new memories and logical thinking. The changes to the size and functionality of the amygdala and hippocampus in particular help cement the trauma bond to a narcissistic abuser. It’s a vicious feedback loop.

The Trauma Bond Simplified

Created by inducing confusing and contradictory but intense emotions through a push-pull dynamic with intermittent (or unpredictable) reinforcement, the trauma bond could be compared to the so-called “Stockholm Syndrome” where hostages “fell in love” and sympathized with their captors. While terrified and treated poorly, any kindness would bring intense relief and an overblown pleasure response from dopamine and other feel-good chemicals.

After being ill for an extended period, just getting well and feeling normal can seem ecstatic!. A trauma bond is essentially a very powerful addiction to one’s abuser and the fallout is comparable to what some used to refer to as “battered wife syndrome.

Various sources have compared breaking the trauma bond to breaking alcohol or even heroin addictions. Like any other addiction, denial, secrecy, excuses and horrendously skewed priorities naturally follow.

Previous: Symptoms of Narcissistic Abuse | Next: Healing Strategies After Narcissistic Abuse

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7 comments

  • J

    I have two kids with a Cluster B and raising her other kids for 8 plus years. I need help. I’ve been going through the ghosting phase for years and am in the midst of one now the worst one yet and I keep letting her back because of the trauma bond and to have my kids living with me. I am in so much pain and torment, I’m messing up at work. My whole life and mind and emotions and health are a complete mess and have been for years. I know what has been happening to me for years is not normal. I am so broken inside to the point of being suicidal for years just to make the hell inside me stop. I need help please point me in the right direction. Thankyou.

    • Dan

      I’m so sorry you’re going through all of that. It sounds like it’s tearing you apart. It also sounds like going “no-contact” isn’t going to be practical with kids involved, so I recommend the “gray rock” method, which means you have to keep your distance emotionally. Only discuss the practical matters that need discussing and do it impassionately. Don’t allow yourself to show any emotion. Don’t get roped into angry arguments, for example. I never really had to do the gray rock routine, since I just went no-contact once I realized what I was dealing with, so I haven’t written about it, but there’s ample information about gray rock out there and it’s pretty simple in concept. A key part of my recovery stemmed from realizing how much of the damage done to me was actually physical! Talk therapy helped with the psychological aspects of the trauma and for occasional practical advice or exercises, but there are also physical solutions for the physical damage! Getting your cortisol levels under control is job one for that. I did write quite a bit about my experiences with that: https://danandtina.net/healing-strategies-after-narcissistic-abuse

    • Ray

      Wassup J. Your not alone in this struggle. These disorders seem to run rampant these days. I too have kids in common with a Narc. Wouldn’t wish what we going through on my worst enemy considering their are kids caught up in the middle. And they do get caught up into the emotional rollercoaster unfortunately. My only advice is for you to focus on them and become proactive in securing them. Now that you have knowledge of whats at play, use it to your advantage behind the scenes without making her aware that you’ve caught on. Do not! I repeat, Do not, under any circumstances, attempt to rescue her by trying to inform her of her condition. They will only sharpen their tactics and become better at covering their tracks. Trust me on that. Sadly, our caring instincts would have us do exactly that in hopes that they will have a breakthrough of clarity and recognize their wrongdoings. You got better chances of winning the lottery. If you did already then oh well, gear up. Suicide is not an option, EVER! Especially when you got kids in this….. Like i stated earlier, become proactive. Take notes of dates, times & occurrences & document everything that will aid you in family court. Consider hiring a private eye to track her escapades. If the car she drives is under your name or both, slap a gps tracker in it. Start preparing a case on the low for future purposes. Overall, keep your head up & maintain your composure thru all the bullshit that comes your way. rummy213@gmail.com <– if you need someone to talk to. And remember, Time heals all wounds. This to shall pass.

      • Warren

        I cannot believe I found this site. I just left my wife for good (actually she beat me last Saturday and I called the police). Currently at home with my kids spinning on how bad things are. This site is literally what I am going through. She had thirsted me about once a month for the past two years. This year it became every week(found she was cheating on me). She has substance abuse issues and has left me and our kids within five days of returning. I filed for divorce three times this year. Every time she was about to be served she showed up,
        Sorry, and ready to make it work. Once I withdrew, she would start fights over nothing and disappearing on me again.

  • Ron Winston Charles

    Hey guys am Ron , I met my narc back in 2008 she was at that time a really attractive woman at that point in my life I was employed at one of the top resorts in my island Grenada I had just gotten a promotion recently also nominateed as the employee of the year in late 2007 so I was on top of my game but aside from that I had also recently made changes in my life for further self improvement so I was doing good. To be honest I was never thought by my dad or brothers about relationships and about dating and stuff the bits o learnt was basically from freinds on the streets and they weren’t at all qualified in no way to give advice on the topic so I just ran with the little knowledge I had. I didn’t really take the time to get to know my ex to any degree and about a week or so after she was telling me how great I was and that am her soulmate,how I made her feel special etc me not being ever before in such commitment I feel for every word , sex came that same week being young and nieve I felt yes this is the life well at least I thought it was. I soon moved out from my home village up to her side of the island some how I didn’t Wana be away from the crazy sex and compliments that blew my brain top off. Unaware to me she then diclsoed that she had two kids but we need be careful cause her kids dad is dangerous and he use to beat her the role of the victim in full fow I helped her with the kids financially send them to school Feed them etc . A year later she was pregnant with my daughter who is now 12 we were at that time living on her grand dad’s house along with her brother who I help her send to school he later brought cops for me with false allegations a slap to the face for kindness. anyways I saw it fit like any realan would to try and construct a house for her and the kids I did this alone with no help to furnish it or for the building materials no help to put in utilities or nothing I did what I had to nonetheless. Things weere going ok felt like a Hollywood movie flick a year later she was pregnant again with a little boy I raised and loved dearly , later to find out during our recent divource that he was not mine 😭 but I stood by her side Not having this knowledge. I did what I had to supporting her oh and for a update I did stay home and take care of the kids which means I did retire form my job yes I know I was young and dumb . So things continued on a good path until my daughter was 3 all of a sudden she started having these mood swings she get upset for no reason shouting to the kids calling them names etc I had to be a shield to all these kids it then came to a point where we felt like we were WALKIKG ON EGGSHELLS I had to talk to the kids when she came down the yard on a evening to behave so mommy won’t get upset and most days she came home angry . Another change I noticed she then started coming home late and later and alwyays had an excuse . But I got the instinctive feeling in my gut she was cheating on me which goes back to what I said earlier my son turned out not to be mine evidence!. Well she eventually moved out TWICE and silly me of course already locked into my truma bond took her back and then made the Huge mistake after ignoring all the what I didn’t know back then to be red flags of getting Married to the narc . Soon after she found a silly reason to move out cause her big daughter disrespected me and she said if she can’t be here I’ll move out then without a warning she left for the final time of course I was one of her many supplies of course being primay she kept a hook on me sex was the only thing that we shared at times I’d be begging her sometimes weeks months will go I’d never see her and during all that time I was left with the two young kids to take care of I was a mess mentally but I tried my best to keep it together I got some breadcrumbs to keep me going . Then one day I decided to type in in Google feel like am living on eggshells what came up at the top of the list Nacrsisstic personality disorder I dug in to and was blown away with more reading I did it’s like I was reading about my then wife . I then attempted to get divorce that first time she refused to sign the documents l gave up with furstration and being truma bonded I went back to her for my anual every few months of breadcrumbs I was a mess. She got locked up I bailed her out , she went to court I went as well. During the start of the pandemic I invited her to spend time with me and the kids and also to see how we can make thing work big mistake after things got abit better this year she smeared my name accused me of sleeping with my child of course this was all after I eventually got my divource I’ve been in no contact for the last 4 months since and of course in no contact and blocked her I feel alot better my healing is coming along nicely alot of internal work to be done ALOT. They said time heals everything, I believe time away from what hurts u gives u the inpitus and what it takes to heal everything am on my way to my authentic self with time we all can make it .I’ve left out some details in my story about when she tried to hang her self in the kids room amongst other things guess those will come in my book one day lol bless to y’all we can do this the fact we are here to share our stories prove we can heal and get better and to be honest be able to forgive these monsters not for they sakes but because it will liberate ourselves and be HAPPY something these ppl will never have .

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