After Tina and I broke up and I went to Miami to see a friend and try to get out of the deep depression I was in. While wandering down a beach front lane the night I arrived, Scott started inexplicably and belligerently texting me. It was strange and upsetting. “I hear you have a problem with me?” He wrote in one message. I eventually drafted a reply, but never sent it. Here’s what I was thinking at the time:
We don’t really know each other. I’d say 99.9% of what I know about you I’ve heard from either Maura or Tina, so if I have a negative impression of you, where do you think I got it from?
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The Adventures of Dan and Tina - Enduring and Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse
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One reason I never trusted you was that Tina would often leave your house with fresh marks on her body, some of which she attributed to you.
One weekend that Tina was spending at your house, she sent me a photo of herself in nothing but panties and there were bruises all over her inner-thighs, all the way up to her private business. The message that accompanied it was something of a cryptic apology, but she didn’t offer an explanation until I saw her the next day. Then, she told me that you had caused those marks on her. She tore her pants off in front of her mom and I and made a big, dramatic show of it, demanding that Maura talk to you about how you mistreat her. Maura just said, “OK I’ll talk to him” like it was no big deal or surprise.
If I had offspring who showed me those marks and said my romantic partner was responsible, I’d have had a pretty strong reaction and a lot of questions for everybody involved.
Looking back on it, it was a pretty ridiculous production.
Just this last July, after she’d been over to your place, she had a wicked, huge black bruise on her arm, just above her elbow. She initially said it was from helping me move stuff out of my Mom’s, but later on, she ‘admitted’ that you were responsible and she didn’t want to tell me so I wouldn’t get pissed off at you.
Now, I figure it was actually rough sex with Doug in your barn that caused all those marks, but I never knew what to think – only that Tina was often all fucked up both physically and emotionally after visiting your home and at least one of these two things was definitely true:
1. You were physically abusive to Tina
2. Tina was cheating on me on your property
Either is a very good reason for her fiance to be uncomfortable about her visiting your house!
What little I personally witnessed of your behavior was concerning, but what Tina said about how you spoke to and manhandled her was one reason I didn’t like her hanging out at your place.
Bottom line, if you want to know why I don’t like you, maybe just ask Tina what she told me about you. If you don’t like how you come across in her stories, talk to her about it.
I’d be amazed if you haven’t figured out by now that Tina and Maura are both compulsive liars.
You’re only the third guy she lied to me about (that I know of) this year (and the others were “canoodling” partners of the pants-off variety).
I’d feel sorry for you getting hung up on Tina, but you’ve proven to be an unscrupulous asshole yourself, so you’ll just get what you deserve.
I couldn’t help but notice the irony of your claims about not using ruses and your words being the truth. I guess the exception is when you’re inviting another guy’s fiance back to your hotel room and lying to his face about it! It was Tina who concocted the crazy lie about your letter being a ruse. Of course I didn’t believe her, but you just confirmed what I already knew.
I thought it was interesting that you characterized me as a “manipulative control freak.” It’s you and I who’ve been manipulated. Tina is a compulsive liar who sows discord between people to prevent them communicating and finding out her deceptions. Being gaslighted by Tina and Maura for years has been their effort to control my thoughts, decisions, actions and perception of reality. I’ve always just wanted the goddamn fucking truth.
I imagine that you think I’m a control freak because Tina told you something like “I feel like I can’t have any friends,” because that’s exactly what she said to me when I expressed misgivings about discovering surreptitious communications with two of her (ostensibly) former sex partners.
I encouraged her friendship with you because she led me to believe that you weren’t making romantic advances. I drove her to that restaurant in Minneapolis so you two could have dinner together. I bought her a car so she could have more independence and freedom and before that I drove her anywhere ANYWHERE she asked me to. She had almost unbridled freedom. I just didn’t appreciate her sneaking around to chat up and hang out with (supposedly) former bang-buddies or being lied to about you.
You’re supposed to be a smart guy. If Tina was lying to the guy she’d committed to marry, shared her bed with every night and professed profound and eternal love to about you, do you really think you’re so special that she’s being totally honest with you? I spent nearly every day and night with her. I know things that you don’t have the slightest clue about.
I wanted to beat your ass after Tina disappeared to your hotel room for three nights – after being conspired against, lied to and humiliated by you, Tina and Amber, but really, it’s Tina who’s the problem. You’re a fucking immoral asshole, but it was really Tina’s job to guard our relationship against other suitors. She let us down. She doesn’t seem to have a notion about healthy boundaries.
Without respect or regard,
I’m angry with you for gaslighting me and conspiring with Tina to control me by distorting my perception of reality. You’ve done immeasurable psychological harm to me. Behavior you assisted Tina with put me in the hospital twice. Didn’t you learn after Tom was driven to suicidal gestures?
I’m even more angry with you for fucking Tina up so bad by introducing her to underage binge drinking, providing her a near limitless supply of really strong weed and teaching her that it’s normal to sneak around, conspire, connive and lie to the man in your life. Who knows what else?
She lives in confusion, not understanding why it was OK to get drunk with you and your friends when she wasn’t of age, but it’s not OK now, or so she told me. You taught her all wrong. You’ve made her weak, incompetent and dependent on you. She’s about to be 30 and can’t possibly live on her own. It’s sad. It’s largely your fault.
The damage done doesn’t have to be permanent but you make it worse by helping her lie, by covering for her alcoholic and immoral behaviors. You and Tina both need a big dose of the TRUTH to heal.
You are both living lives of destructive, hurtful and unsustainable lies. As long as you keep it up, you will wallow in misery. Get honest. Get real. Face consequences. Take responsibility for your actions and make amends and corrections when called for.
Like Tina, there is a special spark in you and you can be a very warm, kind person. You’re ill. Tina is ill. Stop enabling her. Sunshine will vanquish my shame and it will work for you and Tina, too. Face the music. It’s not as bad as you think and you can start living a good life!