On Being a Male Victim
In the world of what’s written on narcissistic personality disorder and the victims of people possessed of it, there appears to be an imbalance of genders. Most writing on the subject chronicles male narcissists tormenting female empaths – at least when dealing with romantic relationships.
It’s my studied opinion that the apparent gender bias is a result of cultural pressures that make it more acceptable for women to share stories of mistreatment. I believe that NPD occurs about equally between the genders, but men are more typically shamed into silence when they are the victims of creatures so-afflicted. Society still doesn’t allow men to be the victims. Admitting to being used, abused, tormented and manipulated by a woman can be tantamount to proclaiming oneself weak, incompetent and essentially, unmanly.
That cultural stigma held me on the fence for some time before I decided to make my own stories public. I was ashamed of what I’d allowed to be done to me. Once I published my first few stories, Chris, a guy I once thought of as a friend began attempts to torment me – mocking and ridiculing my pain. He referred to me as a “whiny beta cuck” and sent rude messages assailing my manhood. It turned out that he had been carrying on an illicit affair with my narcissistic ex and had been a party to my abuse all along, however. He had joined Tina’s harem of flying monkeys. A mutual friend, while not “agreeing with” Chris’ “tactics,” still told me he thought I’d said “too much,” in this blog of mine. Sorry if wasn’t playing by the “rules,” but it’s not been a game to me. It’s my life and well-being I’ve been dealing with.
It’s astounding that abusers expect their victims to remain silent, and they often do.
These are examples of why men aren’t so inclined to share their stories of being abused by women. Anecdotally, though, It appears that men are more likely to seek one on one therapy and other professional help for narcissistic abuse. Women are just more willing to be open about their experiences.
I’ve found reading other people’s stories about narcissistic abuse tremendously helpful. Most of what I’ve read has been written by women. I simply reverse the gender of the pronouns in the stories and generally find them immensely relatable. At their core, all narcissists are pretty much the same. The same scripts play out over and over across millions of doomed relationships, with only the minor details differing in the overarching story.
The majority of followers of this blog are women, by all the metrics I can see. Still, my male perspective seems perfectly relatable to my audience, regardless of gender. All of that said, I do find it refreshing and in a way, more empowering when I happen upon a blog, a book or an article on Medium, Quora, etc written by another man. That’s why I decided to share some of those particular resources, right here!
I’ve been conversing with another blogger named Jon Rhodes who encouraged me to do this post, as it happens. Like me, he was energized by reading another man’s perspective on narcissistic abuse. Jon’s blog, Narcissisms.com is very well put together and excellently written to be inclusive of many different types of relationships and interactions with narcissists. See Jon’s take on Male Victims of Narcissistic Abuse.
Richard Grannon is an author, expert on nero-linguistic programming, victim and student of narcissistic abuse and YouTuber. You may find his websites, Spartan Life Coach and whatever RichardGrannon.com is evolving into of some value, but where he really shines, and where I discovered him is on his YouTube Channel, which is packed with (generally) brief, but helpful, insightful videos. Besides being knowledgeable, he’s somewhat entertaining. I highly recommend checking him out.
Male Narc Survivors is a newish blog/directory that’s dedicated to sharing online resources aimed at male victims of narcissistic abuse. There isn’t a lot there, yet, but what is there (this blog included) is good stuff.
Battered Men – Narcissistic Abuse Support deals with many aspects of dissolving a relationship with a female narcissist, including the founder’s experiences in legal battles, such as divorce and child custody.
I’m still compiling resources for this entry. If you have one to suggest, please leave it in the comments.