Male Victims of Narcissistic Abuse

Narcissistic Abuse Affects Men, Too!

| When Narcissistic Abuse Affects Men – On Being a Male Victim | Updated 5/17/22 |

In the world of what’s written on narcissistic personality disorder and the victims of people possessed of it, there appears to be an imbalance of genders. Most writing on the subject chronicles male narcissists tormenting female empaths – at least when dealing with romantic relationships.

Narcissistic abuse affects men, too!

If you find this blog helpful, check out the reviews on the book!
The Adventures of Dan and Tina - Enduring and Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse

Enduring and Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse

"Powerful. Truthful. Enlightening!"
"A game changer."
"Sometimes hard to read and also hard to put down!"
"We are not alone and we can move on."
Read more about it.

It’s my studied opinion that the apparent gender bias is a result of cultural pressures that make it more acceptable for women to share stories of mistreatment. I believe that NPD occurs about equally between the genders, but men are more typically shamed into silence when they are the victims of creatures so-afflicted. Society still doesn’t allow men to be the victims. Admitting to being used, abused, tormented and manipulated by a woman can be tantamount to proclaiming oneself weak, incompetent and essentially, unmanly.

That cultural stigma held me on the fence for some time before I decided to make my own stories public. I was ashamed of what I’d allowed to be done to me. Once I published my first few stories, Chris, a guy I once thought of as a friend began attempts to torment me – mocking and ridiculing my pain. He referred to me as a “whiny beta cuck” and sent rude messages assailing my manhood. It turned out that he had been carrying on an illicit affair with my narcissistic ex and had been a party to my abuse all along, however. He had joined Tina’s harem of flying monkeys. A mutual friend, while not “agreeing with” Chris’ “tactics,” still told me he thought I’d said “too much,” in this blog of mine. Sorry if wasn’t playing by the “rules,” but it’s not been a game to me. It’s my life and well-being I’ve been dealing with.

It’s astounding that abusers expect their victims to remain silent, and they often do.

These are examples of why men aren’t so inclined to share their stories of being abused by women. Anecdotally, though, It appears that men are more likely to seek one on one therapy and other professional help for narcissistic abuse. Women are just more willing to be open about their experiences.

I’ve found reading other people’s stories about narcissistic abuse tremendously helpful. Most of what I’ve read has been written by women. I simply reverse the gender of the pronouns in the stories and generally find them immensely relatable. At their core, all narcissists are pretty much the same. The same scripts play out over and over across millions of doomed relationships, with only the minor details differing in the overarching story.

The majority of followers of this blog are women, by all the metrics I can see. Still, my male perspective seems perfectly relatable to my audience, regardless of gender. All of that said, I do find it refreshing and in a way, more empowering when I happen upon a blog, a book or an article on Medium, Quora, etc written by another man. That’s why I decided to share some of those particular resources, right here!

I’ve been conversing with another blogger named Jon Rhodes who encouraged me to do this post, as it happens. Like me, he was energized by reading another man’s perspective on narcissistic abuse. Jon’s blog, is very well put together and excellently written to be inclusive of many different types of relationships and interactions with narcissists. See Jon’s take on Male Victims of Narcissistic Abuse.

Richard Grannon is an author, expert on nero-linguistic programming, victim and student of narcissistic abuse and YouTuber. You may find his websites, Spartan Life Coach and whatever is evolving into of some value, but where he really shines, and where I discovered him is on his YouTube Channel, which is packed with (generally) brief, but helpful, insightful videos. Besides being knowledgeable, he’s somewhat entertaining. I highly recommend checking him out.

Male Narc Survivors is a newish blog/directory that’s dedicated to sharing online resources aimed at male victims of narcissistic abuse. There isn’t a lot there, yet, but what is there (this blog included) is good stuff.

Isolated – A podcast focused on men who are abused by their partners.

I’m still compiling resources for this entry. If you have one to suggest, please leave it in the comments.

Read next: Healing strategies After Narcissistic Abuse

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  • Brian

    Thanks for this. I’ve been really struggling. Your posts have been an eye-opener.

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  • Rebecca

    Amazing šŸ¤©. I have advocated for male victims of. Narc abuse for years ! Well mens rights in general and the complexities of it all. My sister has histrionic disorder as you probably know is linked to and is itself a cluster b. My mom a covert and I got the prize as scapegoat. I am all too familiar with how ruthless these women are . But human is human and science is science . You guys end up with cptsd just as women . So Thank you I am glad I found this post ! I currently am in the baby phase of writing about histrionic and female narcissism myself and surviving the covert .

  • Gail James

    Hi Dan,
    Your book is the first book I read when I was told my ex was a narcissist. The crazy part was that I was so distraught, so bowled over that I had fallen victim to something so evil and reading that a man could also be a victim gave me much courage. Even though that really does support that bias. So even if you dont feel that larger connection of male victims, you really help female victims because you were a male victim yourself. I wonder too if male victims are easier targets because a female narc assumes they wont tell or have more shame to tell? Keep reaching out, keep being a life raft for those coming out of narc relationships. You are helping more people that you possibly know.
    I joined a fb group ‘ A real Narcissist support group” and both admins are men. So men are getting the word and support out too.
    Thanks for having so much info out here. I read often.

    • Dan

      Thanks for your comments and thanks for reading the book! I’m glad some of what I work on ends up helping others. That’s the point, after all, but one never really knows. I just put it out there and hope for the best.

      I’m a member of that facebook group, too! It’s a good one. I also like the Covert Narcissism Group. I’ve found all that helpful. Reading the posts from members really drives home how much of it is shared experience. It’s a real eye-opener.

  • Eric

    No one would ever believe it . I was terrified she would somehow get as much as a bruise as she physically assaulted me and she did and I was arrested for domestic violence and I left with nothing to my name. I was erased as the person I once was.

    • Bill

      I’m going through the same thing…she actually hurt her self on her forehead…put a big gash in the middle of her forehead caused from blunt force trauma…I was just held in a corrections facility for 5 months because she says I’m a dangerous person…when I’m 42 and have had 7 relationships…not including her was 6…nine of them have ever had any dv history in them. I was raised to never lay a hand on a woman and I never have. This last one was my longest and only one I ever married. She divorced me…I still stayed…she got pregnant and aborted the baby without even telling me till it was already done. I swear she loved to inflict pain on me. Anyways she had me arrested and has been showing up for every court date…I finally got out of lock up. I’m on a braclet and I have one more pre trial left because the da said she is ready to take that stand…she is gunning for me to ruin my life. I lost my apt…I had state housing which was mine before I had her move in and add her to the lease…she also kicked my 2 kids out whom I have full custody from a previous relationship …they are both in dcf foster care…she moved our of our apt and downgraded from a 3 bedroom to a 2 bedroom..because I do share a 5 year old son with her…she has a year restraining order on me and he is included on it. My 2 kids in foster care want to go on the stand to help me as they are witnesses to how she is…they have seen her hurt herself physically and blame it on me…they did not witness with incident though …I have 2 exs too …one is the mother of the 2 children I mentioned and another is another child’s mother I have…I have 5 children in all with 4 women…yes I’m not perfect. Both of those exs…the one I share the 2 kids with …I was with her for 5 years and the other 4 years and 3 minths…they said they will get on the stand to testify I never raised a hand to them. I also have audio proof …2 different audio files I recorded of her emotionally abusing me…it’s a year old though. I have a dcf letter head saying I was going through continual spousal abuse from her. I have the text thread that started the argument too…it all started with my 2 children …they both claim to have seen a pack of nips in her purse…for 5 and a half years I had a issue with her drinking …in July of last year she stopped…this event occurred in oct…2 and a half months later…I didn’t know what to think..but I was not accusing her of drinking …I was just asking her why the kids said they saw that and it became a argument…I have the whole argument on text up till the physical started of coarse…based on the 911 call info..she lied about when she said she called…I know when she called and it was before the physical even escalated…which makes me believe she had it all planned out. She tried to ruin my job too but was unsuccessful thank God. I literally walked out of jail with the clothes I got arrested in was the only thing I owned. She really took me for a ride and I’m ashamed that I was so stupidly in love with her…I would of taken a bullet for her…I even caught her cheating on Aug 30 last year…between when the drinking stopped and this event…I still stayed…obviously after this I’m not ever going back. I have one of the best lawyers in the area and I was court appointed which helps me feel like God is with me…but even my lawyer said she can get away with this just from her word and the pic of the cut that the hospital took…unbelievable…it’s been a traumatic experience…I’m trying to keep my head up but it is not easy

  • Tom

    I had no idea my ex was a narsacist. I’d known her for years. She was my best friend. But once she had me, the abuse started. The idealization quickly turned to devaluation and outright rejection. It ended with a suicide attempt which put me into inpatient treatment. Once I got out she hoovered briefly then she became the victim and completely cut me out of her life. I’ve been fighting to get myself together ever since.

    • Dan

      It’s no small task to rebuild after experiences like that. It’s not impossible, though. It’s entirely achievable. Understanding what happened and why is part of it. Tackling, head-on, both the physical and psychological damage is next. The wound created by narcissistic abuse isn’t just for time to heal. It requires proactive effort and maybe some help. If you haven’t already, I’d suggest reading my article, Healing Strategies After Narcissistic Abuse for some ideas.

      • Tom

        I’m reading your book now. Seeing so many of the same things in my relationship. She was more subtle but it’s all there. I learned a new word today. ā€œTriangulationā€

        I’m trying to keep it together. I have friends from rehab who are alcoholics. We have different addictions but our struggle is similar. They are being extremely supportive.

        • Dan

          For sure! Trauma bonding is very much like addiction. The more I learn about it, the more I question whether there’s really a difference, except that (in my case) the trauma bond was much more powerful than any addiction I would overcome.

          Thanks for reading. Hope it’s helpful!

          • Tom

            Extremely helpful but heartbreaking at the same time. To see how much I lost and to know it was never gonna work. Just gutted.

  • Seth

    I was going to write my story here, but got a couple of paragraphs in and felt myself losing grip. I can’t do it. Basically, I had to end, at least half a dozen times, a relationship with the queen bee of all narcissists, co-occurring with extreme OCD and others. It’s exhausting just writing that. I still love her. I’ll always love her. And I think I’ve come as close as anyone to getting real love out of her, but in the end, it’s just not possible. I am beyond certain that she was an escort, the only way she could get her supply whe I wasn’t around, because she has ZERO friends left. She stays locked in her bedroom 24/7, except to go on five hour “wal-mart runs” and doctor appointments, and comes back home to her mothers house, driving her mother’s car, complaining about her mouth hurting. Ew. Found evidence she was cheating, of course we all know how that played out.
    Basically, I walked away. Came back. Walked away, came back. But finally, I had to choose. I was literally dying. Literally. I had been doing drugs to numb the pain of her. I had lost 20 lbs, my business had gone to hell and shut down because she was all I focused on. She destroyed my life. And I still love her? God help me…

    • Dan

      Yeah. Is her name Tina? It’s remarkable how similarly these stories tend to play out.

      Try again. Writing about it is astoundingly helpful.

      Believe me, I know what you’re feeling. You’re trauma bonded and that monkey is as much physical as it is emotional/psychological. Find the link for “Healing Strategies After Narcissistic Abuse.” It’s a good starting point for breaking that trauma bond and beginning recovery.

      It’s not a short or easy road, but it does lead to a better place!

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