Do I get to fuck your Girlfriend?

In my life, I’d observed on occasion, a witless or uncouth man come on to my date, but never with the frequency or astonishing level of disrespect I experienced when in public with Tina.

We’d gone to our frequent watering hole, the Buffalo Bar and Grill and as was our routine, we were shooting pool and drinking whiskey. We struck up a doubles game with a couple men. One older, one younger. It was a typically good time, but Tina was disappearing for extended periods, ostensibly to the restroom. I assumed she was having some digestive trouble. She and the younger shooter had been gone for quite a while, so the older guy and I shot a game one on one while waiting for them to return. The game and conversation was going pleasantly enough when the older man turned to me and said, “so if I win this game, do I get to fuck your girlfriend?”

“Excuse me?” Words had vibrated my eardrums, but that could not possibly have been a string of cohesive English.

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“If I win this game, does that mean I get to fuck your girlfriend?” Unabashed, he restated his proposition.

I was overwhelmed – not initially with anger, but astonishment. I felt like I’d slipped into the Twilight Zone and though I now heard, registered and comprehended his words, I couldn’t fathom the situation. It was so completely alien. I had to clarify what exactly he expected to accomplish by speaking to me about the love of my life like this. “What the hell is wrong with you? Are you trying to pick a fight with me?” Up until this point, everything had been friendly and nothing seemed amiss.

He grinned a gray-bearded, drunken grin and shrugged. “Yeah, he said. Then do I get to fuck her?”

“That’s it, fucker!” I snatched up my pool cue and gripped it like a bat, tip down, fully intent on cracking it over his head and then jamming whatever was left in my hand right through his eye, but when I drew my arm back, it did not strike. The younger man we’d been playing with had returned, unnoticed (by me, anyhow). From behind he’d caught my wrist in his meaty grip. He was taller than I and probably about double my weight. He grappled. I struggled, but he quickly had both my arms pinned. I felt impotent. I could not break free of him and he disarmed me of the pool cue. “I’m going to need that,” I said, suddenly calm and no longer struggling, but still intent on carrying out my initial plan to jam that cue into the old man’s eye.

“I can’t let you hurt him.” he said.

“Did you hear what this mother fucker said?” I was righteously indignant.

The young man seemed embarrassed. “Yeah, but he’s my dad.”

I understood his dilemma.

“Look, he’s trashed. I’m going to take him home.”

I was mollified – I didn’t have much choice but to be quelled. The son released me and urged his drunken father away.

All this went on while Tina was away. I refilled our drinks while I waited alone by the pool tables. Some time later, the vulgar old man – now in a Vikings jacket – approached me again with his son. I sprang to my feet.

“I thought you were getting him the fuck out of here,” I demanded.

“He wanted to come over and apologize.”

“Yeah,” said the old man. “I’m sorry. I’m pretty drunk.” I nodded, prepared to accept his apology and move on with my night, but then he added, “but I still want to fuck your girlfriend.”

That time, I leapt straight to rage. I yelled “Mother fucker!” or something appropriate to the situation as the son lunged to interpose himself between his dad and I.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know he was going to say that,” the son said as he pulled his dad away, towards the exit.

“Get him out of here,” I said. “If I see him again, somebody’s going to have to call the cops.”

“C’mon, Dad. Let’s find Mom and I’ll get you home.”

His wife was at the bar with him! I shook my head in amazement. Tina finally returned, having missed all of the excitement and I related the highlights.

“I would have handled that old man, myself,” Tina said. “You don’t have to get yourself arrested defending my honor.”

I explained “fighting words.” A man talking about another man’s lady like she’s trash is a provocation that can’t go ignored. To me, crazy talk like that is the same as a direct threat. Someone who’d say things like that is dangerous and capable of anything. Even taking the insult to honor out of the equation, self-defense becomes an immediate probability.

We went out into the cold to get our nicotine fix. Sitting at a table on the patio, we watched the man in the vikings jacket being guided to a car by his son. A woman a step behind was repeatedly hitting the man with her purse, all the way across the parking lot.

We laughed.

It was one for the book.

Looking back through the lens of experience with Tina, I can’t help but guess there was more to the story than I was aware of. The old man probably knew about something going on that I didn’t. That both his son and Tina had been absent for quite some time was worth considering. These kind of things that were pretty much new to my experience just tended to happen with Tina around and things usually happen for reasons.

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  • John

    Thank you for sharing your experiences. I understand how painful and difficult this must have been. I know – I really know. Just change the names and it's like you're telling my story. It's like they follow a script. I just recently learned the term "NPD." Your blog really drives it home. I get it. Thank you for articulating it better than I could.

  • John

    And you know she was egging that guy on. My ex loved creating drama like this. It's on purpose.

  • Dan

    Couldn't say for sure, but I suspected it after a while. This is probably the most extreme example, but this kind of thing just kept happening, too. It couldn't have all been random and unprovoked!

  • Dan

    It's true! I had a similar revelation. I read an article by a victim of narcissistic abuse and was amazed by how it seemed like the author had been living my life. It's a combination of personality types that brings this crazy script into play. Narcissists/Cluster Bs are drawn to empaths. When they get together (like opposite magnetic poles), the results are invariably the same.

  • Mike

    Dan and John ,
    I wholeheartedly agree with everything you both said about Cluster B women!! You could replace “Tina” with my wife’s name because your experiences have literally mirrored mine, with the exception that my wife is more secretive, covert and she is a haughty “covert spiritual narcissist”. For the first 10 years of our marriage,, I blindly believed she was “a good girl” committed and faithful until her mask began to slip. Its taken me 15 more years to remove the abusive fog to actually see what and who she is. The lying, criticalness, manipulation and gaslighting ran rampant. Triangulation happened with whomever was around to create drama, jealousy or to simply screw with my head etc. For instance……
    my wife went on a business trip and for a week straight after the trip, she couldn’t stop talking and ranting and gushing about the male CEO of the company that was running the week-long workshop. Out of the blue during one of her gushy rants,, she casually told me, “_____ (the CEOs name) is kind of effeminate but i now know that he was definitely not homosexual” with a satisfying smirk!!! It was the kind of comment along with her expressions that gives one IMMEDIATE pause for a number of reasons. She wouldn’t elaborate on how she found this out which is gaslighting and made me question it even more. Two, it was also clearly meant to screw with my head and it left enough plausible deniabilty for her to deny her true intent and make me look unreasonable or jealous. Three, in looking back at what’s happened since then, Im now certain she had sex with this guy bc there have been many instances of this happening including catching her in the act with another man, that she still denies doing today. Since then, I’ve caught her lying incessantly even faced with irrefutable proof. She was and is a pathological liar, nothing she says has any merit, credibility and she is not trustworthy even when she is telling the truth. Dan you made an excellent point in your blog, something to the extent that Tina did not care if her behaviors looked suspicious, even if there weren’t any nefarious behaviors involved but her behaviors LOOKED suspicious. A well adjusted, well-meaning, healthy, conscientious wife, fiance etc would not behave in ways that errode trust or cast doubt. A typical cluster B thinks they are entitled to act anyway they want, without a care in the world. This is my wife. I have to say that I completely understand what you two went through and I’m relieved that there are other fellas out there who understand. Thankyou Dan for posting this blog bc I found it this week, when I hit rock bottom.

    • Dan

      As always, I’m happy to hear when my musings have been helpful to someone, but I’m sorry you’ve had to suffer these circumstances. The good news is, much of the damage you’ve endured is repairable with time and effort. Please take my stories both as validation and as inspiration for healing.

      I think you’re referring to my expectation that when it came to the company of other guys, she’d avoid even the appearance of impropriety. Of course, she didn’t. Sometimes she was just sloppy and other times, it was probably deliberate triangulation. That goes with the condition.

      Work on you! Be selfish about it and put yourself first for a while. It’s what you need.

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