Demons From the Past

It’s been 8 years since I separated from Tina, and the ruminating, anxiety, panic attacks and deep depression I experienced the first few years have all subsided and she crosses my mind only infrequently, but it seems she’s never completely done.

I got a fresh kick in the teeth today when I realized she was fucking other guys in my own bed at my (then) recently departed mother’s house while I was at work. The part that’s harder to grapple with is that she’d sent them in to see me – presumably to verify I was at work and wouldn’t surprise them coming home while they were doing the deed. But, I suspect there was an added “cuckolding” thrill for her (and maybe him) by putting the other man right in my face before befouling my bed – a place I thought was sanctuary for love and cuddles between Tina and I.

Right after my mother passed, I was living in her house while settling the estate between my brothers and I. Tina had essentially moved in with me. Even her mother was almost a resident, often spending the night with us instead of staying in her Farmington apartment, or with her “sort-of” boyfriend, Scott.

At the time, I was transitioning to a limo-driving gig, but I kept ties to my old job at the downtown Minneapolis mega-garage, gas station and convenience store called Bobby and Steve’s Auto World and I filled in as needed – usually second shift, weekends. I’d given Tina a car so she could be more independent, but as far as I could tell she didn’t use it much and I hated leaving her alone (with only her ball python, Lenny for company) in my Mom’s house when I was at work, but she often had her mother over.

But, she wasn’t wiling her hours away crocheting. I’d long ago sussed that she was seeing several other men during this time. The evidence was plain enough when I finally accepted the truth of her nature, but apparently there are some depravities so far beyond the pale, that my mind couldn’t even conceive it at the time. I knew Tina had contact with certain other men, strongly suspected she’d cheated with them, but never put the most logical conclusion in place: she was doing it in my own bed and flaunting it by sending these scum suckers to face me first!

Of course, there was Cassidy, her former Farmington neighbor and fuck-buddy she swore she no longer talked to, but did. There was her mom’s “boyfriend’s” son, Doug. There was my pub acquaintance, Abraham who I’d seen making a not-subtle-enough “call me” gesture before Tina tried to sneak a kiss on his cheek without me noticing before we left the pub.

But, there were two other men who popped into mind today – men who Tina invited to violate my home.

First, there was Selah. Tina and I had met the east-African at a local watering hole while shooting pool. I’d caught her obtaining his number. She insisted it was innocent and she just wanted to invite him to my upcoming birthday party. There was an argument about that, but, I eventually dropped it. There was always another fire to put out with Tina.

But, one weekend night while working the counter at Bobby and Steve’s, Selah appeared at my register. He looked sheepish. Apprehensive. Nervous.

“Hey. I know you. Selah, right?”

“Yeah,” he said, and without further conversation or acknowledgment, he asked for a pack of cigarettes. I rang him up and he made haste for the door without any pleasantries.

On another occasion a couple weeks later, my “buddy” Chris showed up during another fill-in shift. He was also acting awkward when I greeted him. “Hey, Chris,” I said. “What are you doing on this side of town?”

“Oh, just, you know… downtown. Had to stop in for a pack of smokes.”

Like Selah, Chris didn’t have much to say, even though we’d known each other for over a decade. Took his cigarettes and split.

Both of these encounters felt off. My Spidey Sense was tingling. Both of these men had raised red flags in the past. Tina was alone, staying at my mom’s house at the time. I was verified tied up at work and stuck there until 10:00 PM. It’s only become obvious to me today what was happening.

My “buddy” Chris went into my mother’s house to fuck my fiance, right after buying a pack of cigarettes from me.  Tina had pulled the same trick with Selah, but I’d only met him once before.

It took my subconscious 8 years to bring this revelation to the surface. Which makes me wonder what other undiscovered horrors are still lurking.

Yeah. I knew she was bad news. Over a span of years, I’d come to grips with her sickness and betrayals, as well as the impact she had on my friendships, but this seemed to take the situation a whole extra level down into Hell. It sent me reeling, today. My head has been spinning.

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted anything new here, because I felt I was pretty well healed and didn’t really care to revisit those dark days. I’ve been writing fun, silly stuff, instead. The darkness had other plans for me today.

It was only a few hours before I recovered my composure and I’ll be fine as I reassemble this puzzle picture with new pieces in place and file the whole thing back away under “lessons learned.” Unfortunately that file has taught me: Never trust, never open up. Never love and beyond all, NO ENTANGLEMENTS, but I’ve learned to live, alone, with that.

No one gets close to me anymore. I feel a bit like I was living a real-life version of The Truman Show… like everyone around me was in on it. Everyone knew but me: the unwitting, trusting butt of the joke. So, it felt like absolutely everyone around me was aiding and abetting the abuse. Thick walls surround me now. I’m sequestered in my castle. I accept few visitors. A few of my oldest friends, some family. Romantic love is of course out of the question, but I carved out a niche in my heart for my nieces and nephews. I love them dearly. Love of family is purer and that will have to be enough for my heart, for now.